909s and good times

CNN just posted a feature article listing the ten things that Obama needs to do in the next ten weeks, in order for him to “restore the confidence of the American people and minimize expected losses for his party.”

Here’s the real list.

1. Stop being such a damn Secret Muslim all the damn time.
2. Put an end to the 9-11 Memorial Attack Death-Mosque built from bricks made from the ashes of the fallen World Trade Center buildings.
3. Remove all oversight and regulation of the banking system, returning full control to the old, rich white men who simply know better than everyone else.  (Welfare recipients will be required to return the Cadillacs, filet mignons and Hamptons vacation homes back to the bankers they stole them from.)
4. Personally apprehend Osama Bin Laden, pulling his spine and skull out of his still-twitching body like the Predator in that documentary about Predators.
5. Reinstate Prop 8, and go a step further: Prop 9, which will end suffrage for women, minorities and homosexuals, until the country is ready for such “Change.”
6. Go back in time and make sure he is not born in Kenya, but in America, like John McCain, who was born in the Panama Canal Zone, but hey, he’s a white Republican so who’s counting.
7. Force all Muslims to wear red crescents to avoid this sort of incident.  It’s for their own safety!
8. Sign The Hannity Bill, legislation banning microchips in babies and 95.5 The Beat; the law will also make ownership of survival kits and gold dubloons mandatory.
9. Repeal all the Amendments to the Constitution.*
10. Resign.

*Does not apply to the Second or Tenth Amendments.

(Editorial assistance provided by Gnar-Bone.)